Lessons from a viral video

Putting politics aside (not always an easy thing to do), even his most ardent rivals would probably agree that Mitt Romney is a good man.  He is a devoted husband, loving father and has a led a good life.  He has been a successful person in many endeavors.  His parents did a good job of raising him and I am sure that they were rightfully very proud of him.  He did, however, as a teenager commit an act of bullying that he would be the first to admit was wrong.  Should he be perpetually condemned for that act?  Should he be considered a "bad" person because of that act?  Should that act be considered sign of poor parenting?  Was he a "monster" deserving of death threats for what he did?  Should he had received a criminal record and possibly served time in prison for that act? Was a severe consequence necessary for him to learn that it was wrong?  What would have happened if that act had been caught on video and shown to millions of people?

I raise these questions in light of the recent incident of bullying of the bus monitor in Greece, NY.  Let me state very clearly that what those students did and said was unacceptable.  Their words and actions were mean and hurtful.  No person should be treated the way the bus monitor was treated.  There is never an excuse for disrespect toward a person.   They should (and have already) received negative consequences for their actions.  Should their words and actions be condemned-yes!  Should they be condemned as people, labelled as "monsters" and considered criminals-no!  How should we interpret or  explain what they did without excusing it?

 I think the bus monitor herself had the best response to that question.  When she was asked if criminal charges be brought against them, she said no.  When asked if they were "bad" kids, she said no and that deep inside they were good.  Since she has been around kids for a long time, she added that if each student was with her one to one, those comments would not have been made.  She said that when the students get together as a group they act differently and say things to show off to each other.

Kids especially teenagers say and do stupid things especially in groups and for groups.  They also do risky and dangerous things and sadly they often do mean and hurtful things. These things happen not because they are bad or because their parents have failed in raising them the right way.  These things happen because kids are not adults and they still are learning how to live life the right way.  Part of learning to live the right way means they will make mistakes, and unfortunately some of those mistakes that can have serious consequences for themselves and others.   I have yet to meet anyone, however, who cannot recall something or many things they did in their teen years that they regret.    All of us look back at things we did and wonder what possessed us to do them.  (Check out this revealing article on the teenage brain - it can help us remember that growing up is not easy).

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/dobbs-text 


Kids are "works in progress".  They have great potential for doing good and for doing bad and it is our responsibility to believe in, nurture  and expect the positive/good in them.  They look to us to help them discover who they really are.  We "tell" them who they are especially when they "screw up"-they need us to help them interpret their mistakes and failures in a way that allows them to live and grow for another day and another opportunity.  They will and do take us at our word.  If we put negative labels on them in response to their mistakes and failures,  those labels "stick" and  can take a long time to come off, if they ever do.  We get what we expect-so we have to expect the positive even in the face of many mistakes kids make in the process of growing up.  We need to give them the right and hopeful interpretation of who they are especially in their moments of need.

Unfortunately, it can be very easy and tempting for the media to play up the "good versus evil" scenario and condemn the kids and their parents.  The media plays to an audience who often wants and needs to feel morally superior to these "character flawed" kids and their "inadequate" parents.  Such a media drama creates a larger audience than having a meaningful discussion of the event and more importantly of what our students need from us in order to learn these important life lessons.   It is, sadly, easier to condemn than to face our real responsibility to our children.

I would be tempted just to write off the media circus that now surrounds these type of events as just the way things are, however, these "ratings driven" media dramas do make it harder to have the type of discussions that can lead to effective bullying prevention.   When these events are portrayed the wrong way, it can make the atmosphere too charged and polarized for the type of discussions we need to have  and that our children need us to have.  Sadly it seems we live in a very harsh culture where people are afforded zero margin for error and find little if any empathy or compassion when their failures are public and visible.  (I often think that the phrase "Let him without sin cast the first stone..." would not prevent some people from throwing stones given the self righteousness we hear from many people in response to the "sins" of others.)   

There are many debatable points about bullying prevention; there is one point that I strongly feel is undebatable: effective bullying prevention requires students,  schools, parents and the entire community to work together and support each other in addressing the problem.  It is too difficult and complex a problem for simple solutions that direct blame toward any one group or segment of society.  Too much time and energy is wasted doing so.  In reality when it comes to bullying, no one is to blame but we all are responsible for doing something to prevent and reduce as much of it as we can.  We need to help each other learn the right lessons from these viral videos.

ABCD

I have written a lot about bystanders in this blog recently and I also wrote a lot about them in my book, No Place for Bullying.  Knowing that too many words on a topic can  be confusing, I have tried to summarize the key points about what we need to know about bystanders and their role in bullying prevention. 

This quotation from Ken Rigby's book, Children and Bullying, aptly sums up the challenge adults have with bullying prevention (it's a Good News/Bad News one):

"...direct teacher influence is generally ineffective.  The approach must be more subtle and indirect...but clearly the most important factor is the influence of other students, specifically what children think their friends want them to do...Applying this last piece of knowledge requires teachers to help students understand what other students think, as opposed to telling them what they think they ought to think."

I think it is hard for most schools to not go directly at a problem especially when it is  a high profile problem like bullying.  Schools are  propelled to go directly at the problem by laws, policies, rules and regulations.  The bad news is that this direct route doesn't work.  The good news is the indirect route does work and has been proven to work in just about any situation where "change" has been successful.  The best leaders lead the process of getting people to influence each other, or to put it another way, the best leaders use the leadership of others to change the culture.  Since this is such an important lesson for all educators to learn and remember, I have tried to map out this indirect route toward success into an  ABCD format.  I hope it helps.

A:  All about the audience:  Educators must focus time and energy on the audience (bystanders) and that means all students.  Bullying is done for an audience and often serves a social function that we must understand.   We need to focus on the students who are not really breaking the rules-these are ones we often take for granted.  Most importantly-the audience must know that they have this power and influence. We need to tell them, remind them and show them this fact in any way we can.

B: Bullying is like Broadway:     Attendance is the key to whether a show stays open or closes.  If an "audience" doesn't show up for bullying, the reason for bullying is taken away and it usually stops.

C: Clarify the caring:  This is perhaps the greatest tragedy of bullying prevention.  Research shows that most students don't approve of bullying, but this feeling/opinion is typically suppressed and subsequently is mistaken for approval by the students who bully and who are bullied.  Educators must give the majority of these caring students the public opportunity to voice these thoughts and feelings.  Sadly the longer they stay hidden, the more they can become lost and forgotten.  This is why the research shows that empathy in bystanders diminishes the longer they are in school and the older they get.  It is possible to reverse this process.

D:  Display the disapproval (thumbs down): When this is combined with "C",  bullying prevention becomes more effective.  Educators must give students the opportunity to voice their disapproval about bullying in general.  More importantly, students can be taught or coached on how to simply and clearly display disapproval in as many simple, and if necessary,  scripted ways as possible.  If students had a scripted response to say when they are confronted with  bullying, e.g. "That's not cool", there is a greater chance they might  intervene.  If that seems like too much to ask of students, given all of the reasons for not intervening, we must remember that we don't need to get the majority of bystanders to intevene or show disapproval- we just have to get more than NONE of them. One can make all the difference.

Bullying Prevention: What door should we use?

I met with an assistant principal of an elementary school who honestly told me that the staff was tired of hearing about bullying prevention and had run out of ways to talk about it with their students. I appreciated his honesty and I think he has identified a real problem at the heart of our efforts at bullying prevention.

His comments made me think of the book, Switch by Dan and Chip Heath. It is book about how to change things especially when things are hard to change. They list several principles for managing the change process and their first one is: "Find the bright spots!"

It is hard to find bright spots in the field of bullying prevention. We always hear about the failures and tragedies and the incompetent and/or uncaring people in schools that are more a part of the problem and less a part of the solution. No wonder that many staff recoil (usually inwardly) when they are told they need to do more about this problem. (In an earlier post I described the blind spot that often makes school staff think that bullying is under control when it is not.) Unfortunately staff interpret any new initiative related to bullying prevention as a criticism of their current efforts. This is definitely another barrier to changing the status quo. This does create a Catch 22 for bullying prevention: we need to do better but conveying the need to do better can often turn off the staff in the process.

The Heath Brothers, in their explanation of why "Find the bright spots" is such an important principle, comment on our cultural tendency to analyze problems and dwell on the reasons behind them. They also state how people can be drained and pulled down by this focus on the negative, hence the assistant principal's complaint about being tired of bullying prevention. It is pretty clear to me that most of our efforts no matter how well intentioned approach the problem of bullying through what I call the negative door: schools need fixing.

This approach is so pervasive in our culture and our schools that we are often blind to the fact that we have a different door available to us-yes a positive door for bullying prevention. School leaders will have a better chance of getting staff buyin and sustaining their support if they can (excuse the pun) reframe the problem of bullying and show that a different door is possible and available.

The best quotation to hang over that different doorway would be this one by Robert Fritz: "Problem solving is taking action to make something go away; creating is taking action to something new come into being." School leaders need to take the problem of bullying prevention and transform it into a positive opportunity to make things better while affirming the postive things that are being done in schools. It is easier to accept the message that we are capable of building on success rather than we failed. Education itself should be about always wanting to get better-lifetime learning. The fact that I want to learn new things does not imply that my previous learning was wrong or inadequate. In bullying prevention, school leaders need to give the school community a positive image or goal to shoot for or at least get people to look in that positive direction.

In my recent presentations I have found a brief video clip showing a positive image of change that illustrates how bullying prevention is really about creating something new. The clip is from the start of a NBA basketball game where the young teeenage girl who won award to sing the national anthem flubs the first few lines of it and freezes. There is a palpatable gasp in the arena yet a calm reassuring Mo Cheeks, a coach of one of the teams, gently goes over to her puts his hand on her shoulder and starts softly singing the next line of the song. Within seconds the entire arena starts to sing along and the girl regains her composure and is able to belt it out finishing in a moment of triumph.

This clip is very moving and affirming for it depicts a very basic human action-helping out someone in trouble. We all can identify with the young girl, with the fans in the arena and hopefully with Mo Cheeks. The positive goal everyone shares would be creating the conditions where more and more people would be like Mo Cheeks. He was an empowered bystander who stepped forward in a difficult situation. My statement to my audience after hearing their response is simply this: if we can have more and more of our students become like Mo Cheeks, we will be preventing bullying while at the same time giving them a new set of skills required for success in the world today. This is not just solving a problem but it would transform how we educate. I think that people will get more excited walking through this positive door than the negative one. (Isn't more energizing to buy a new car than going to the repair shop to fix a clunker!)

This approach to bullying prevention moves the issue from being another item on a list of "things to do" to being at the heart of our educational mission and consistent with the original moral purpose of being an educator. The energy from touching this basic core/purpose of education, I believe is limitless and in fact creates more energy as people work together towards this goal. Leaders who know that this is right direction to take and begin to tap into this are ones who plant the seeds of the culture and climate change that makes bullying stick out instead of blending into the school culture. Strong school communities have a built-in strong immune system that doesn't eliminate bullying but notices it and does something about it when it does occur. Empowered bystanders become like antibodies that maintain the health of the system. This type of school culture is one where all members accept responsibility for caring for each other and for improving how they treat one another. Strong leaders help people believe that such a culture is not just possible but inevitable if people work together in the direction of the postive goal.

Life Needs an Instant Replay

Social situations can happen quickly and "vanish" out of sight. Unlike physical objects that we can look at and touch, social situations instantly slip into our memories. Experiencing a new and different social situation can often leave us thinkging to ourselves, "What just happened?" followed by "Why didn't I do or say something" or worse yet, "Why did I do or say that?". We have all had these feelings, but as adults, we have a bank of prior experiences that help us understand what happened in retrospect. As adults however we can easily forget that young people lack this preparation and are more likely to be either caught off guard or confused by social situations. Very often when students are asked why they did something or said something they honestly reply, "I don't know." We cannot prepare for every situation but preparation and some degree of familiarity can help us when we find ourselves in an ambiguous and quickly evolving social situation. These social situations usually trigger emotions which also make it harder for us to think straight in the situation. We have many educational practices that recognize this need for preparation. Fire drills are one example of such a preparation. If a real fire were to occur, we cannot wait for each person to cognitively process the situation and choose the right response. With enough rehearsal, we can be trained to automatically respond with the safest action. We also see rehearsal and preparation in sports. Coaches call time out during critical spots in a game to review possible scenarios and remind players of their options. These time outs however would not be effective if they weren't supported by hours of practice. I share these thoughts because today I had the great opportunity to see a Peaceful School Bus meetings in action at a local elementary school. The students viewed a few scenes from the movie Bridge to Terabithia showing bullying on the school bus. The students viewed the scenes once but then viewed them a second time and told to view them through the lens of the student who bullied, the bullied student or the bystanders. Following the replay they discussed how they thought each of the three key participants/roles felt and what they could have done differently. The students were fully engaged while viewing the clips and discussing the situation. They had insight into the feeling of each of the students in the video and had a variety of effective alternative responses. The school bus is an especially difficult environment in which to to think straight. What happens there is often also something many students deliberately would like to forget. I had to feel that these students, however, would be better prepared for the social situations they faced on the bus. It is also important to remember that in bullying situations, we don't need every student to respond appropriately or in a helpful, responsible way, we just need one or two students instead of none. One other thing happened in the meeting that would be easy to overlook. The teacher leader of the meeting asked the bus driver to pick a goal for the students. He said they needed to do a better job of remaining seated throughout the ride. The leader asked the kids why it was important to stay seated. I realized that many kids don't automatically know the answer to the question. Many kids would think that staying seated was just another rule to follow. It may seem like a small and obvious thing but explaining the reason behind the rule and how following the rule is in their own best interests can make a positive difference in student behavior. The forty five minutes devoted three times a year to the PSB is really a small investment that can pay dividends in improving life on the bus for all students.

The Blind Spot of Bullying Prevention

 
Recently, I had a minor fender bender accident because I failed to adequately check my blind spot while driving my car. I am sure that I am not the only person who has made this mistake.  There are two main reasons for failing to check our blind spots: the road may look clear in the rear view mirror and we have become conditioned to consequence-free lane changing. Those of us who fail to check are not necessarily “bad drivers”; for the most part we follow the speed limit and all the rules of the road. This failure to check is a bad habit we develop.  Unfortunately, we are prompted to change this habit only after receiving dramatic feedback in the form of an accident.
 
This anecdote serves as an analogy to the current state of affairs regarding bullying in our schools. There are too many tragic “accidents” (not just fender benders) that occur because of bullying.  This is why despite the attention bullying receives in the media; it appears to the public that school leaders are indifferent to the problem.  School leaders, however, want to help but something gets in the way.  They are often surprised that an “accident” could even happen in their school. The problem is a lack of knowledge and training rather than a lack of caring.  Still the suggestion that “they would if they could but they can’t” is not a sufficient excuse.  School leaders need to learn about bullying and how it thrives in their “blind spot”.  They need to learn how to “see it” even when they can’t. They need to know and understand the nature of bullying and how it operates in schools.
 
According to the National Association of School Psychologists (2003) factsheet on bullying, only 4-5% of bullying is ever witnessed by an adult and according to the 2007 National Crime Victimization report approximately 65% of students who are targets of bullying don’t report it.  Given these facts, school leaders can easily develop a very false sense of security and underestimate the amount of bullying in the school.  These two statistics create the “blind spot” that leaders need to know about.
 
Often school leaders use traditional disciplinary approaches as their sole strategy for addressing the problem of bullying. These strategies focus primarily on the perpetrators and targets.  They also do little to prevent bullying from occurring in the first place. Bullying requires an understanding of the important role of that bystanders play in affecting the amount and frequency of bullying in a school.  School leaders need to know and understand the difference between bullying and conflict and respond differently to each. Bringing a student who bullies together with the targeted student to work it out as equals is serious mistake.  That will only make life harder for the targeted student.  
 
Research has also demonstrated that the strategy of simply increasing the severity and harshness of consequences for those students who are caught bullying, is ineffective.  Such decisions and actions can suppress and deter the reporting of bullying.
 
 
 
 
Who Holds the Key?
 
Recently on Anderson Cooper’s No Escape from Bullying program, the panelists emphasized the need for training teachers and parents. There was no mention of any training or support for school leaders.  Watching the program, as a former principal for over twenty years, I felt like I was sitting behind a glass window looking at people working on a jigsaw puzzle with the final missing piece sitting right on the table in plain but never noticed.  I felt like shouting, “Please don’t forget training and supporting the people who have the most influence and receive the most blame: the school leaders.”
 
After a tragic event that occurs as the result of bullying, school leadership receives the blame and criticism of the public.  “The Canadian Commission to Prevent Bullying suggests that, “The success of a bulling prevention program and other violence prevention programs depends upon the commitment, understanding and actions of the principal.  The principal sets the tone and ultimately provides the time, resources and opportunities for the implementation and evaluation of the interventions.” If school leaders hold such influence (and they do), why don’t they receive the training, support and resources they need to improve our schools?
 
It could be assumed that school leaders don’t require special and specific training or that they would be “immune” to any training that is offered to them.  It could also be assumed that their influence on affecting positive change is a school is minimal and therefore teachers should be the sole recipient of training. I strongly disagree with these assumptions.   School leaders hold the responsibility for making bully prevention a priority for their school community.  They are also responsible for selecting an appropriate program, and formulating policies, rules and regulations pertaining to bullying.  Most importantly, they have the most influence and the accountability for getting the school staff and members of the community involved and supportive of these efforts.
 
Without the appropriate knowledge and training, schools leaders will be ineffective in preventing and reducing bullying.  Worse yet, their decisions and actions could inadvertently increase the amount of bullying in their schools.
 
 
Where the Answer Lies
 
 
School leaders need to look at the problem in a very different way:  from seeing bullying, solely as a discipline problem involving a few students, to seeing it as an opportunity to improve the culture and climate of a school for everyone. The Massachusetts Dept. of Health publication, Direct from the Field: a Guide to Bullying Prevention, states: “Research shows the best bullying prevention efforts are comprehensive in nature and address changing the culture of a school.  Schools where bullying is less likely to happen and, and when it does, more likely to be reported and corrected, are schools that promote caring, compassion, and a sense of responsibility among students and adults.”  Seeing the problem differently however, is only a first step in effectively addressing it.  School leaders need to change the culture of their school.   This is easier said than done.
 
There is no reason why the current knowledge and research available about effective leadership cannot be integrated with the knowledge and research about bullying prevention. This is the type of training and professional development that can educate everyone about those “blind spots” and learn the right habit for checking for them.  The tragic accidents of bullying don’t have to happen. School leaders can learn to use new and different tools to appropriately address the problem of bullying.  Effective school leadership can make a difference in keeping schools safe for everyone.
 
Progress in bullying prevention depends not just on implementing the right program, but putting the right program in the hands of skilled and knowledgeable school leaders.  Given what we know of the damage that bullying does to an entire school community, we cannot leave our efforts to chance. We must acknowledge the crucial role that school leaders play in bullying prevention and provide them with the professional development they need to make and keep every school a safe place where students can learn to their full potential.

Checklist for Leadership

Five Point Leadership Inspection

School leaders who accurately “inspect themselves” will be better prepared to lead the school community in bullying prevention efforts. Here are five key areas to check as part of reflecting on their use of power:

1. Check Under the Hood

Many of the decisions that school leaders make are guided by the implicit or hidden assumptions that they make about those they lead.

McGregor (1960) has described and categorized two sets of assumptions as Theory X and Y:

Theory X
The average human being has an inherent dislike of work and will avoid it if he or she can. If a job is satisfying, then the result will be commitment to the organization.
Because of their dislike for work, most people must be controlled and threatened before they will work hard enough.
Theory Y
The average person learns under proper conditions not only to accept but also seek responsibility.
The average human prefers to be directed, dislikes responsibility, is unambiguous, and desires security above all else. Imagination, creativity, and ingenuity can be used to solve work problems by a large number of employees.

For a school leader “checking under the hood” means being aware of these assumptions and how they influence all their interactions with staff and students.

Question to ask: Do my decisions reflect Theory X or Theory Y assumptions?








2. Check Your Power Source

Leadership is changing people’s hearts and minds by not “throwing one’s weight around”, but by getting people to pay attention to the right things. It is important for leaders to ask themselves why people should follow them.

People listen to leaders whom they trust and think are acting to support them rather than trying control or manipulate them. People listen to leaders who listen to them and respect leaders who respect them.

Change might take longer when leaders give people the freedom not to follow. Effective bullying prevention requires staff commitment not just compliance. When the school community has the will to change, they will find the right way to do it.

Question to ask: What is the main source of my authority: the power of my position or respect for my ideas, values, skills and knowledge?


3. Monitor Your Comfort Index
Bullying is complex and challenging problem that manifests itself differently in each school. School leaders are most effective when they promote a sense of shared leadership with the entire school community. Bully prevention is a process rather than a final product, therefore, there will always be problems and challenges. The input and feedback from all members of the school community are essential to making the right adjustments and modifications in the school’s ongoing efforts.

Question to ask: How comfortable am I with:
• Asking for help
• Being uncertain at times
• Admitting mistakes
• Accepting ideas that might differ from your own?

4. Check Your Alignment and Balance
School leaders are in the spotlight and under the microscope at the same time. Their words and actions need to be in alignment with their own values and the mission and values of the school. They should be wary of any justification for words and actions that do not reflect a high standard of respect for all.
There should be an urgency to all bullying prevention efforts, yet using fear or panic to motivate others is counterproductive. Effective school leaders convey urgency not out of fear or panic, but from a desire to do what is right and necessary for the school community. They should project a calm confidence that the school community will work together and do what is necessary to make school a safe place for all students to learn.

Questions to ask: Do I consistently “treat others the way I want to be treated” regardless of what others have done? Do I convey the importance and urgency of keeping students safe, while also expressing confidence in the school’s ability to respond to that challenge?

5. Decide on how to use your GPS
A Wallace Foundation report summarizing the research on educational leadership stated that the two essential roles of a school leader: to set direction and to influence others to move in that direction. Effective school leaders help others understand the goal and purpose of bullying prevention. They involve all members of the school community in planning, implementing and evaluating all bullying prevention efforts.
Question to ask: Do my words and actions point others in the right direction and influence how they think and act or do I decide what needs to be done and then manage others to follow my plan?

Blending In or Standing Out

A teacher, who just switched jobs going from a large school district to a small private school, approached me after a presentation, where I stressed the need to improve a school’s overall climate as the key element to effective bullying prevention. I guess he had a need to talk and process what he had just heard. Shaking his head, he said, “Looking back on my former school and comparing to my current school, I realize only now that “bullying” was part of the atmosphere of my old school but at the time I didn’t know it.” It is easy to become adjusted and conditioned to even the worst situations especially when we don’t have a frame of reference. This teacher had a new experience where people treated each other with more respect and that reflection combined with what I presented, finally gave him an insight into how bullying can hide in plain sight.

In the recent movie, Contagion, there is a scene that reflects how easy it is for bullying to hide in a school. In this scene, two scientists are looking at computer animation the virus that was infecting the population and spreading exponentially throughout the population. The animation showed the how similar in shape and structure the virus was from the host cells. The virus fit into the cellular structure of the host like a “key slipping into a lock”. One scientist added the comment referring to the virus, “It is figuring us out faster than we can figure it out.” The virus fooled the immune system because it wasn’t a “foreign” cell - it blended into and appeared to be at home in the system.

Bullying unfortunately has found a compatible host in many of our schools. It doesn’t stand out but blends in and over time it becomes just a part of the school. This is why many schools can be perplexed when they find out that bullying is problem. When the research points to the need to change the school’s culture or climate, it is not surprising that many people in the school have no idea of how to do that or why to do it. It is hard for them to see any alternative for how to treat students.

Bullying is very much about control and power and schools are also about control and power. How adults use their power and how they attempt to control students determines to very large extent, whether bullying will stand out in a school or blend in. The more a school’s philosophy is to “do to” instead of “work with” students, the more likely bullying will be able to hide and blend in. In a school, where adults involve students in problem solving and decision making and where responsible behavior is not limited to just following the rules in order to get something or avoid something, bullying will stand out and call attention to itself. When it stands out, I believe our natural immune system (empathy and a basic human inclination toward moral behavior) can take action to restore the system to health and harmony. In my new book, No Place for Bullying, I explore this issue in detail. In my next blog post I will review an inspection checklist that I developed for adults to reflect upon how they use power in a school environment.